I Have Lost It, Or Have I?

I have lost it. I need to find it.
It was very useful at one time.
Took up so little space.
I really do need to find it.

It was filled with remarkable things.
Things of wonder and things of grandeur.
Dreams I think they are called.
I really do need to find it.

At times it feels almost … within reach.
A flicker …. A whisper of a memory.
But, it is not really gone even though
It cannot be found …. among the ruins ….

It was in a space not really big nor terribly small.
It still holds the years that have long since departed.
What have I lost that evades the finding?
My youthful mind that soared so free.

The mind that told me I could do great things.
The mind that told me I could change the world.
Has it really gone? Has it really departed?
Or did I simply ignore what it told me and trampled it soundly beneath a life of mediocrity?

What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up? Part 1

Is that really the best question to ask? It seems to be too broad and too narrow at the same time. I think that is what is known as a dichotomy, both in the social sense as well as the practical.

When I was very young I wanted to be a teacher. School was my refuge and teachers were my heroines. I trusted them and understood my boundaries. What followed was a list of noble professions, stewardess, nurse, writer, violinist and, of course, princess. As I grew into the teen years, my art started growing and I wanted to be an artist, then a commercial artist. When I passed the audition for the high school choir, singing emerged as a slight possibility. My singing was fair, not great. I was actually shocked when I was accepted.

High school was the one place that gave me a hint at what I might be good at. Aptitude tests (and I took a bunch) were supposed to give the guidance counselor and ultimately me areas in which I excelled and would lead me to be a productive member of society by steering me into meaningful employment which I would be good at and enjoy. Princess was not one of those. Nor was artist, stewardess, writer or violinist. Medical technologist stood out. And thus my path was chosen. Or so it seemed.

I did not truly excel at anything. My grades were good (B’s and A’s) which put me in the top 25% of my class not the top 1%. I was a member of the Beta Club, not the Honor Society. And there was no true passion about anything except leaving home. That I wanted to do really, really badly.

The problem with that was going to become very obvious when I was finally ordered out of the house. Passion without direction is disastrous. Lack of direction itself is the beginning of that recipe for disaster. I mean, how does one look for employment in a strange town?

So that day finally came when they told me “you have to go!” I do not remember being particularly upset or fearful. I had $65.00 and a suitcase. I packed. I counted my money. I walked out the door. My journey began.